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Too Sick For School

by Old Joy

/
1.
It's a shameless conviction that you hold when you grow old There's hair growin where there should be brains it's on my head, its on my head and I'm wishin i was livin when I should be wishin i was dead wish i was dead it's a shameless conviction that you hold when you grow old and there's students lookin like they should be adults its not their fault and there's kids growin up in shopping carts who call out farts with hard dark hearts and a lotta permission always bein given by the under-driven "miss daisy" dribblers on the grin-chin listenin in to diggers digging into things they shouldn't be involved in, couldn't have evolved this cold look queenside rook cornered by a right-hand hook and taken by a pawn, she was taken by a pawn it's a shameless conviction that you hold when you grow old And there's cancer growin like the hair on cats if it falls right off it'll come right back don't worry you none you're the second son and you'll get whats coming to ya, got it all comin to ya it's a shameless conviction that you hold when you grow old and you're gonna get old
2.
There's a part of me that I know i shouldn't be scary grin, sick & thin with a gigantic mistake on his arm some stitch from an unacknowledged itch clawed your way from a drain that you used to call a lake alright or uptight why are you looking down? I'm up here i'll be around oh i'm too tired to fight it now i need a friend... til we meet again if you push too hard you might break the debit card 'got no choice,' said my voice as I broke into the home I can see myself in a thousand diffferent hells i'm not scared, i've been there & I know I'm not alone heat haze a meat maze we wade thru gettin old letting go of you sometimes there is nothing else you can do is it over so soon? when we start hold my heart til i need it but don't read it it's not yours, its not for you but you can hold it til i want it back if i ever do but its not for you
3.
Butterflies 02:21
the butterflies you feel will fade sticky fingers into lemonade the beauty that you see in me soon will become commonplace but i'm gonna milk it for all its worth i'm gonna make a pretty picture now photo booth photograph, empty bottle, clock half past glass half full, you drain the dregs i'm gonna see you on the regs i'm gonna see you on the regs now i've loved before & i'll love again i don't want a new best friend easy to slip, hard to fall i know these things never end but i'm gonna milk it for all it's worth i'm gonna save these pretty pictures now new years eve, not alone smell the vodka thru the phone he's my baby, he was mine i loved him until he died i loved him until he died
4.
i met a girl, snowball in hell she was hard & as cracked as the liberty bell i got her to come on & move in w/ me & i said we'd find a better place we could spend eternity don't go down stay w/ me baby stay her momma called me a thief & her dad called himself commander in chief i fought em off w/ my love but i knew the sense of worthlessness you have to rise above don't go down stay w/ me baby stay she had a dream, woke up in shock she could see her own body outlined in chalk i split the scene, the globe'd been spun & her ghost beamed down to kiss me w/ a message from the sun: don't go down stay with me, baby stay
5.
New Tokyo 04:01
streetwalk phantoms, honed orgasms, now you feel at home dreams of scenes that never seemed bad until you weren't alone some voice whispered in your ear from some faraway land nobody plans... plans to understand cats on couches, future spouses, potential you can't see hang your hopes on velvet rope forever out of reach dreamin of a tree lined street, the smell after it rains a sudden pain, a bug inside a drain moonlight never is as bright it's alright to reflect the sun someone has to do the job don't stop, do it til it's done someone's making messy feelings spilling them on you every drop, each stain & spot's another job to do you suppose you should be grateful there's a place for you something to lose so you don't have to choose you get tired of desire, tired of tried-and-true you'd sometimes rather nothing matter until you're black & blue stare uncaring at the void that's staring back at you but who is who? you don't have a clue get real, you never really feel okay feelings pass away don't lie, it's still better to try don't cry, everybody dies
6.
Everybody 03:33
i been missin you & i dont know why heard you're gettin married to a pretty good guy i got some letters to remind me i was loved but if i read em i would wanna give up had a dream last night you were in concrete half of you buried & half trying to get free you cried & screamed & writhed & i tried to help you some other guy was lookin at us too you been buyin flowers only fake ones are cheap you've invited everybody but you haven't called me i've been climbin towers only tall ones for me so i can look down on everybody i got depressed & started taking lots of drugs everybody told me i should grow the fuck up i didn't listen i just grew out my hair i went from bein sad to bein really scared love is the dumbest thing i've ever tried to do but nothing's dumber than trying to love you you got a good life now you're out there on your own guess i can't help it so i'll leave it alone you been buyin flowers only fake ones are cheap you've invited everybody but you haven't called me i've been climbin towers only tall ones for me so i can look down on everybody
7.
books are full of folks who simply know forests full of trees that simply grow graveyards full of things simply let go why are you so broken, don't you know? always askin someone for permission just to have an ear you know will listen lustful light makes sickening things glisten heaven didn't take him he died & went to prison a cavity is just a hole, a body doesn't have a soul a bell will always pay a toll, she killed a baby for a role always lookin out for little weaklings freaks and stupid people seek me out suck up to someone seemingly unseemly but who really is just too dumb to doubt salt adds flavor to many dishes blood adds flavor to a boring day eyelashes and 1s and dash to wishes i just wish my eyes would go away a cavity is just a hole, a body doesn't have a soul a bell will always pay a toll, she killed a baby for a role I'll never unsee some things that I saw I should be dead should be in jail or gone I'll never get to see an in or out-law I'm always right I wish I could be wrong a cavity is just a hole, a body doesn't have a soul a bell will always pay a toll, she killed a baby for a role
8.
Good Go By 02:58
I'm getting good at hating everything I do ain't misbehaving but i'm losing you gotta try to try to let the good go by I'll never be untrue half in love with you gotta try to try to let the good go by I'm getting bad at waiting for a better time I'll quit complaining when I learn to lie you told me 'have a heart' but it got too hard nothing makes me feel like losing give me my best day take it all away gotta try to try to let the bad go by bye
9.
I'm waiting by my window watching all the cars people with their strollers the walking broken hearts I'm dreamin of the past when you were my friend we would walk the city we never will again i codepend on you to give me love i codepend on you to give me love i codepend on you to give a fuck we were never star crossed lovers fated to the end we were never all that gorgeous but man did we pretend
10.
Company Car 03:49
it was the company car that he took upstate he put his hand on her arm but her face said it was too late it was dark when he came he checked in at night under pictures of Elvis by an old Bakelite oh the concierge scowled, she was sixty four when he asked for his key she kept her eyes on the door it's the room upstairs, is what she finally said and when he got inside his head dropped like a rock on the bed & he fell asleep, had a lonely dream about his boyhood home & he woke up in the bed alone it was the company car that he took upstate he put his hand on her arm but her face said it was too late he remembered her, the first face he sees when he wakes up now but she still feels unreal like dreams it was a business trip, some minute bullshit it's just the time of my life, it doesn't mean anything used to wasting time for a real good cause an inevitable death never gave him pause if he thinks of her, he just wants to go used to make him wanna live but now he's dying slow it was the company car that he took upstate he put his hand on her arm but her face said it was too late that's just how it goes is what his dad would say but his dad's been dead now for ten thousand days he knows people leave & their love does too but if you work real hard it doesn't get to you so he kept his job & what a job to do don't work too hard get an early grave but in his mind his life is pretty much the same it was the company car that he took upstate he put his hand on her arm but her face said it was too late
11.
1, 2, 3, 4, don't turn on me, i'm not that bad i've been your friend, been all you had remembering the things we shared now all of it's lighter than air i's there for you summer & fall you had no clue you had it all don't turn on me, it looks easy what seems cheap now is never free you'll pay for it, someday you'll trip look for relief but you turned on me you turned on me (solo :0 ) don't turn on me, don't be a wheel don't kill the part of you that feels i know it's hard to stand by me you're on your guard understandably but i stood by you i had your back i was always true, i shouldn't have to ask don't turn on me, you turn me on turn me around & send me off don't turn on me, don't be a wheel don't kill the part of you that feels you'll pay for it, someday you'll stare into the mirror, see there's nothing there
12.
Called Me Al 04:18
They called me Alexander not a name I'd choose & told me to protect the people that I'd sooner lose Now i'm angry & I won't get over it How to explain things to a soul that's never slipped? This is it, all you have, all you can & cannot stand from the tower to the pier & the water dark & clear, it's all here They called me Don Francisco, not a name I'd pick & told me that my fate would be the short end of the stick now i'm facin every fear i've ever had & the strange thing: I'm not terrified but sad People hate & they kill & they never get their fill if i die on this hill I'll live forever They named me Presidente not a name I want & hinted towards my destiny: to win & still get shot now I'm shaking but it isn't just for me How to explain things to those who've never had to see? Broken dreams & the men who are still attached to them hueless fields, monochrome, bleedin out far from home still a stranger when in Rome God only knows, but maybe he don't They named me John the Baptist not a name I'd ask Nothing that i've ever done is something I'll get back now i'm fading as I've every right to do fame is waiting for the next of us to use do your best, clear the way for the word you have to say a placid storm, a crushing calm I payed attention never alms I never asked once what I was here for I grew rich enough to die quite poor I never once asked what there was to miss & I grew poor enough to die quite rich & I grew poor enough to die
13.
you'd kill for a fig cake but now you've learned from those mistakes you're ready for paradise nobody's restless nobody's hard-pressed anymore all around you it's poor poor poor poor me as far as the driest eye can see it's such a let-down it would bum anybody out we wanna get rowdy if it's even allowed here anymore we're thinkin of romance cuz nobody's happy nobody laughs here anymore all around you it's why why why why me? as far as the sober eye can see it's so depressing it's so much less than you'd expect
14.
Poem #2 04:40
i don't wanna watch you grow up i don't wanna watch us grow apart i don't want the changing of the seasons changing how i see you in my heart some folks are meant to be a memory & only walk with you the time that's theirs some memories are meant to be forgotten but you're my heart's favorite sleeve to wear & i remember how you first told me you were shy & when you said you were my best friend & i remember how the sun lit up your eyes i'm trying not to think of that again I still feel your toes curling around mine on the couch i still feel your fingers in my hair i still feel your love somewhere inside me even though i know that it's not there i don't wanna see you as you are now i hope you're happy that's good enough for me i just wanna see you as you once were holdin my hand, believin in my dreams & i remember how you cried & held my hand tellin me that it was the end & i remember how you said it would all be fine i'm tryin not to think of that again i don't wanna think of that again
15.
my eyes are swimmin with the stars one of them is me my friends are all between the bars trying so hard to be free my head's a paper party cup eyes as wide as empty moons my face is always lookin' up my tongue carries a tune your back is lookin crooked you're a flower & you wilt saw an exit & you took it across a bridge you didn't build on a road you never paved in a car you never bought If you float you will be saved if you sink you just will not no if's and's or but's about it no reason not to is too frail you know that you're too dumb to doubt it you're too stupid to fail fake names at an open mic fake friends by your side fake feelings that i hope you like fake stars light up the night i had a dream of a ferris wheel i kissed you at the top your mouth felt wet & very real my love for you did not holdin' hands in my old room perfume on the tv you wished that i could love you soon i just wished i could be me never knew just who he was just knew that he was there in between the awful fuss & the ecstatic despair dad he always said to me the world just isn't fair it doesn't owe you shit or sheen it just doesn't fucking care and i believed the things he said i guess that i still do now i'm happy i'm not dead because i'm next to you you just talk a good deal less than i ever could it honestly makes me impressed makes me dream in "shoulds" you never asked me where i'm going you only ask me why there is a sick comfort in knowing that both of us will die makes me feel like its all good we're in it while we can makes me feel misunderstood by all my old plans i know i was the last in line i waited all damn day the place was closed & that was fine it's much better this way i watched them all in single file walk in & dissappear i left at the 11th mile so yeah, i'm still here i would feel guilty, i would feel bad i almost thought I did but sometimes every thing is sad it's not my fault you couldn't live i didn't choose the path you took or even pick your part but now that you can't even look i'm showing you your heart you danced alone in apartments you went to movies too no one knew where your heart went once it went out of you i can't claim to know a single thing if i ever did i forgot and if i was myself i'd sing if i wasn't i would not i guess that's how you are too or how you used to be i used to wish that i was you now i wish you were me

about

Christmas of 2021... My brother had died back in September and I had tickets to visit my family in Brazil. Two days before my flight I got Covid for Christmas, and settled in to a week-and-a-half long lockdown during which I recorded the bulk of these songs. With a disease in my lungs and throat, and a depressed haze clouding my mind, I wrote and recorded a bunch of songs to my little portable 4 track. The process continued into the next spring and summer, and after all was said and done I had about 100 new songs.

I picked the ones I hated the least and decided to make something good from something bad, which is what I like to do whenever something bad happens. Here are 14 songs (plus one) that were mostly written and recorded to 4 track that winter. Thanks for listening.

credits

released April 20, 2023

all words and music by alex (except track 4 words and music by steven paul smith)
all production by alex
cover art by roxanne hoffman

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Old Joy Austin, Texas

Scum Pop/Power Trash from Chicago IL
Now located in Austin TX
Booking/press: onesockman@gmail.com
IG: @oldjoychicago

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